University El Ultimiso
by Phoenix Helix
Summary: Years ago the author began work on an idea and then left it. but he's back to give it another go! this time the SOS Brigade have been added along with many more!  Crackfic! Containing random humor and rated M for safety reasons. rating may change
1. Intro Chapter

**University El Ultimiso**

**By PhoenixHelix**

"Its been two weeks since the incident involving Son Goku and Homer Simpson occurred" the anchor lady spoke in prescript monologue "Homer Simpson aged 39 had attempted to transform into a Super Saiyan like his opponent only to suffer from an irritable bowel movement and spontaneously exploded soon after. Son Goku was unavailable for questioning…in other news I happen to like horse on woman porno movies and do the tango nake…HEY! WHO'S BEEN MESSING WITH THE SCRIPT!" the anchor lady screamed as the faint sound of laughter could be heard in the background

"THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!" she screeched as she lunged at the camera

"Fox news….they always know how to lighten the mood" Helix laughed as he watched the Technical difficulty message show up on the TV. Kicking back on his living room sofa he took a lengthy swig of his Cider he was about to reach for the remote but the author's attention was interrupted by a soundly crash coming from the garden. Preparing an orb of energy in one hand he jumped up from his sofa and leaped out an open window to find a guy with a scruffy hairdo and wearing an overcoat facedown on the lawn.

"Owww…" the guy moaned as he stirred.

"Ok who the hell are…Castiel? Helix raised a brow and dissipated the energy orb; recognising him as the unexpected guest looked up at the author.

"Yeah…" the guy now known as Castiel replied as he rubbed his forehead and got to his feet.

"Care to explain what you're doing in my garden…facedown?" the author questioned "I was going just appear inside your house like I do with Sam and Dean…really spooks them…but for some reason I appeared just above your house…" Castiel replied as he straightened himself out

"They invented the doorbell for a reason…" Helix muttered and rolled his eyes at the vessel which the angel Castiel inhabited.

"Last time someone rang your doorbell you came out with that scythe of yours and threatened to disembowel them…that poor young girl scout is still in therapy after that incident need I remind you" Castiel commented.

"Hey I watched that movie Loaded Weapon 1 and I swear to your father that she was a hitman in disguise! Helix retorted defensively as the angel simply shrugged his shoulders ironically.

"…Anyway…I've been sent here by the Masters of Fanfiction to invite you to a place within the upcoming university project." Castiel commented receiving a smirk of humour form the author

"You mean the fan fiction I planned in my first year on the site and just never could be arsed getting round to writing and have only recently been inspired to start from scratch; creating a fic with a load of plot holes and chaotic storylines that neither relate nor carry on from one another. Not to mention implementing random cameos from random authors as well as OC's and characters from numerous media?" Helix questioned as he broke the perennial fourth wall.

"…Yes." Castiel responded with a hint of humour in his tone.

"Well then that says it all now doesn't it." The author smirked as he kicked off the ground and floated gracefully in through the window, Castiel not far behind; however not as gracefully.

"I'll get my stuff ready and I'll head over there for the initiation ceremony" Helix commented as he snapped his fingers summoning a single suitcase in the middle of the living room which when opened up looked like it could hold the universe inside it, much to Castiel's surprise

"You people never cease to amaze me…" the angel replied as he quickly pocketed something as he stood up after tripping over the window frame.

"You forget Cass; we authors aren't bound by the same laws of fiction that normal characters are; unless its for cheap tricks or we're in another authors work as a guest, other then that we pretty much do as we please" the author responded as he filled the case with his effects then snapped it shut.

"Nnnyaaarrr…" a light voice called out, to Castiel's surprise, the voice's owner was soon realised as a small cute purple serpentine like creature with a blade-like tail, two pairs of horns and a child like demeanour that could be seen from the look in her amber coloured eyes, floated in from the hallway with a yawn and snaked itself around the author's waist and shoulders

"S'up Seiryuu? Had a good nap girl?" Helix spoke softly as he tickled the dragon-serpent's chin causing her to begin mewling happily.

"Hmm on that note I will take my leave." Castiel commented nervously as he attempted to teleport away; his hand in his overcoats left pocket only ending up landing head first in a pile of cow manure in the field opposite the Authors home as he re-emerged.

"I should've told you that no one can teleport in or out of my home without my permission" Helix called out as he laughed and flew over on his now exposed wings, his suitcase in one hand, a mobile phone in the other with which he quickly took a picture of the angel's predicament, while Seiryuu was still wrapped around his waist; and giggling from what Castiel could tell.

"May I just leave now?" Castiel asked, not angered by the outcome but slightly irritated by the inconvenience of it; that much so he didn't even question how Helix knew exactly where he would end up.

"Sure thing Cass, say hey to the Winchesters for me… after you clean yourself at least…see ya!" Helix pocketed his mobile and flicked the tips of his wings allowing the angel to teleport away.

"And now just to wet my whistle and…where's my hipflask?" Helix paused and quickly checked his pockets then realising muttered "…Castiel….that angel needs rehab…badly. Perhaps I should… nah screw it that's something for Sam and Dean to deal with" with a flap of his wings, Helix elevated skyward and on towards the university.

Elsewhere…

"Are you drunk…again?" Dean asked amused as he encountered a staggering Castiel who he found with his pants around his ankles and singing in a language that clearly wasn't English…or anything legible for that matter with the author's hipflask in hand

"NO…YES!" Castiel replied with a slur just as he collapsed on the older Winchester.

"Jesus…of all the ones we could've had we have to put up with Oliver Reed's guardian angel…" Dean sighed as Castiel began snoring and muttering something about bananas and ice cream.

Again…Elsewhere

The clubroom door flew open and almost fell off its hinges as the yellow ribbon and hair band wearing goddess known to all otaku's as Haruhi Suzumiya; skipped in with a cheesy grin. Her arrival was welcomed by the waving of a hand compliments of a smiling Itsuki Koizumi as he stood, the nervous bowing of a trembling Mikuru Asahina as she held a teapot, the null response from a channelled Yuki Nagato as she continued to tap away on her laptop; bunny headphones adorned. And the tiresome gaze of a guy called Kyon.

"Ok everyone I've decided we're going to University!" Haruhi boomed with her grin plastered to her face.

"….What?" Kyon responded non-chantly as everyone except Yuki looked towards the Brigade chief with a puzzled look.

"Well according to this message I found in my locker" Haruhi began as she lifted up

A piece of A4 paper with all sorts of information on it "We've been PERSONALLY accepted into the Author's university! That means the SOS Brigade is famous with the BIG ones! Kyon I tell ya; We're getting noticed for our amazingness!"

"It would make sense if we did anything amazing…" Kyon mentally broke the fourth wall. "How many times have I done this now…" he added.

"Why that sounds like a fabulous idea Ms Suzumiya" Koizumi commented with his signature smile. "To think we'll be surrounded by numerous big names such as SuperStarUltra and who knows…" The esper's sentence was cut off as Haruhi slammed her fist into the table, causing Mikuru to squeak and hide behind Yuki, who was still oblivious to the situation in the room; her attention being on the eroge female who was stripping on her laptop screen.

"DON'T. MENTION. THAT. NAME!" Haruhi screeched like a banshee making Koizumi scream like a girl.

"Still haven't gotten over the fact that author had you impregnated with a demon from Silent Hill just for a laugh Haruhi? Or how about the time he had you get drunk and go on a hunt for the lost Rollo?" Kyon mused with a sigh as he mentally snickered.

"Oh I wanna get even with that guy!" Haruhi was now blowing steam from her ears "Not just for the demon thingy! He's humiliated me more times then Kyon's face-palmed at one of my brilliant ideas! TO THE UNIVERSITY!"

"Haruhi. that's what Authors do: they screw around with the lives of fictional characters like us just because they're bored besides none of your ideas ever have been…Annnd she's gone…" Kyon rolled his eyes as the Brigade Chief raced out the door in a cloud of smoke.

"Well…we…should go…after her huh Kyon?" Mikuru stammered as she peered her head from behind Yuki's lap.

"Ms Asahina's right. With all those Authors and the fact Ms Suzumiya is one of extreme few fictional characters with author-like powers who knows what she'll get up to…" Koizumi added

"You can calm down now y'know…hearing you squeak like that really does make me question your orientation." Kyon remarked as he shrugged his shoulders while the esper breathed in deep and walked out the clubroom with the time traveller behind him.

"…Why do I think this is such a bad idea…" Kyon added as he followed as his own pace. "Oh wait…its one of Suzumiya's…."

At the University…

The Author finally landed on solid ground after a long flight which took longer since a giant meteor which took the form of a fist kept stalking him, he had eventually managed to trick it into crashing into Mt Fiji 's side and thus introducing the intergalactic wrestling federation to the Japanese and many countries around the world.

"Damn I used to love that anime…" Helix smirked then looked up to break the fourth wall…for the second time in the prologue chapter. "I'm not claiming I created it guys! I own NONE of the rights to it….although I might come up with a good fic for it…"

"Don't you think you should just stick to this one He" a feminine voice interrupted "I mean c'mon you've never actually written a fic that you ever completed aside from a shoddy Dr Who one-shot that never got more then a single revie…"

"Soultail Omega-Light. While I think yer an amazing gal there's no need to state the obvious" Helix responded as he turned to face the author taking on the form of a human/fox hybrid with silver-ish fur and twelve tails wearing what looked like ancient Chinese armour.

"Hehehe I just love teasing ya!" Soultail remarked as she playfully swatted Helix with a couple of her tails. "I'm here as your tour guide…for some reason?" the Kitsune then shrugged, turned and gestured to the colossal building ahead of the pair.

"Phew…must have set the guys at the site a couple hundred bucks…." Helix mused as hundreds of different characters from various media began emerging; including Solid Snake, Chris Redfield, Harry Mason, Donkey Kong, several Pikachu, some girls from random anime and even a giant robot with a car for its head.

"Yeeeehaaaw! we have arrived!" could be heard from the car 80 feet up above.

"Coop…" Helix laughed "Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea to write after all…HEY!" the author noticed as someone with blonde hair and a monkey-like tail grabbed his suitcase and began running into the building with it.

"Get back here you damn chimp!" Helix reached into his pocket, brought out a White and Black striped coin and clenched it, making it transform into a Winchester Breach Loading Sidearm rifle with a Black and White Tiger pattern across it. The Author spun the breach and took aim. "IM GONNA BLAST YER ASS BACK TO THE JUNGLE!"

"Relax… he's only gonna take your stuff to your room dude" a mellow voice echoed as a girl dressed in black walked past and nodded before wandering into the building with a dozen more authors.

"Ok Rayvn…SheraSh… whatever name you're going by these days…" Helix sighed as he holstered the gun to the side holster that appeared out of nowhere thanks to the glory that is the plot hole! "We'll shoot the critter next time Byakko" the author muttered receiving a growl from the rifle.

"Annnyhow… now we're done with that…we gonna go in?" Soultail pipped up and wandered ahead "…He talk's to his gun? … boy he's crazy!" the Kisune author giggled as Helix followed in behind her; his wings now faded.

"Ok! So this is the main hall…"

"I see that…

"And this is the cafeteria…"

"Mmmhmm…"

"This is the Merchant who you can get all sorts of stuff…"

"He doesn't have his brother with him I hope…"

"…Moving on annnd hereeee weee…"

"Go!" Soultail exclaimed as the poorly written script went back to normal and the two authors found themselves sat down in a oval room that looked more like the gladiatorial arena.

"Ok am I the only one to think this fic isn't making sense to anyone?" Helix pondered as the tour only lasted approximately seven lines of dialogue

"We're HEEEERRRRREEEEE!" Haruhi's voice boomed causing the author to look up to be presented with the confident grin of the Brigade Leader who had just taken a seat in the upper floor of the hall with the other members of the SOS Brigade sat around her.

"Why the hell is she acting like a mai…." Helix's eyes widened as he realized "AHHH CRAP! I uploaded this in the Haruhi Suzumiya pile!"

"You didn't even notice when you were uploading?" Soultail asked with a stiffled laugh.

"Ughhh first chapter in and its already a crackfic…"

The Brigade Leader ignored Helix completely and kicked her feet up, raising a brow of interest as someone walked onto the stage and tapped the mic with their knuckle her eyes sparkled as the person in question was sporting giant bat-like ears, green skin and cloven hands.

"Attention…" Vorador called out on the microphone, completely ignored by the large crowd that had suddenly filled out the room without any particular note by the author's mediocre typing ability.

"Attention." the vampire called out again in a more stoic tone but was again completely ignored. His left eye twitched as a paper airplane which was set on fire cruised right past him and set a nearby bald guy's head alight. The flame turning blue.

"Hmmm… I like it!" Hades smirked as he brushed over his new look, while receiving a thumbs up from the two dwarf-sized demons who were grovelling at his feet.

"Ahem….OI!" Vorador bellowed into the mic, causing several of the speakers to blow up.

"Now. We all know why we're here" Vorador began

"You totally screwed up those speakers duuuuude!" a guy going by the name of Ted Theodore Logan yelled out as he and his buddy air guitared.

"Yes, indeed." Vorador nodded. "Now then…"

"That was uncalled for!" a random author called out

"It really doesn't't matter…onto the matter of…..what is it?" the vampire growled as someone raised their hand

"You….wouldn't't happen to be a relative of Yoshi would you?" a Dragonball Z Abridged fan yelled, receiving a mixture of laughs and face palming, Vorador wasn't at all impressed.

"Yoshi….DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GREEN DINOSAUR TO YOU! OR EVEN LIKE PICCOLO FOR THAT MATTER!" the vampire bellowed, gaining a snicker.

Meanwhile

"WHEEEEE!" Goku squealed as he raised his arms up high as Piccolo carried him up the steps towards the University.

"Remind me why I'm doing this…." the Namekiean sighed as he continued walking at a leisurely pace.

"Because Chi-chi asked you to?" Goku suggested.

"…Actually I thought she pretty much beat the crap outta me and forced me into it…but that's not the point… you wanna get off me now?" Piccolo rolled his eyes as the Saiyan dug his heels into his sides. "Why….oh why…" the Namekiean muttered as they began climbing the 1001 steps up to the university, by they I mean Piccolo.

Back to the Hall

"And that's why for the next year you will all be staying at the university." Vorador concluded. "Are there anymore questions?"

Silence permeated throughout the entire hall aside from the occasional cough or laugh.

"Well then, I'm sure you will all make for a satisfactory…."

"Oh wait I gotta question! …..are you SUUUURE you're not a Yoshi?" the Abridged fan yelled out causing the vampire to growl and clutch at the microphone.

"Enough. Of. The. Abridged. PUNS!" Vorador lifted the mic stand,

"Umm Professor Vorador?"

"WHAAAT!"

Nervously Jim Chapman of Resident Evil Outbreak stood up from the front of the hall and straightened his jacket

"Will there be any presentations by Chuck Norri…" Jim's head exploded with a bang, sending blood, skull and brain matter all around him covering everyone in the surrounding five rows along with Vorador himself.

"EWWWW!" Ashley Graham screamed as she jumped up and down flapping her arms about. But also delivering some adequate 'bouncing' fan service to a nearby trio of Resident Evil Fan-boys who proceeded to nosebleed.

"Damnit…" Brad Vickers sighed. "Talk about being a total Mary-Su…" Suddenly his head also exploded sending chunks flying.

"Who the HELL'S DOING THAT! Vorador roared, and glared at Helix who was waving Byakko above his head.

"Don't tell me that author's gonna be a total Gar…" A random author's sentence was cut short as Helix cocked the rifle and aimed at his head.

"Finish that sentence. Go on. I DARE you!" Helix growled with the barrel of the breach loaded rifle gleaming in the light.

"Errrhehehe…Helix? Doncha think yer're being a little…y'know…extreme?" Soultail commented with a wince.

"There are two phrases among many that have been spoken in the past few moments: Mary-Sue, Gary-Stu and the uttering of the name Chuck Norris. All these I cannot stand" Helix huffed as the random Author disappeared in a flash. "There are more but hopefully they shall go unspoken"

"Why're you so peeved about guys saying Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu?" An author by the name of Arcbus yelled over.

"Because my dear, ever since I got onto the site five years back I have been CONSTANTLY presented with those phrases and the rants about them are RIDICULOUS!" the author boomed "Its called FANFICTION dot net not POINTOUTTHECHARACTERWHO dot net! Authors write fiction for the hell of it and the sake of their own perceptions of creativity; no-one HAS to read the fic let alone review them! There are those who like to use those sorts of plots so everyone paying attention: DEAL WITH IT!"

"Y'know…if Chuck Norris were…" Helix rested Byakko's barrel on his shoulder and fired, blowing the head of Silent Hill 2's Eddie completely in two before he could finish. Breathing heavily the author sat down, rested Byakko on his lap and closed his eyes.

"And…about C.N?" a nearby sat Snake Plisken from the old Escape from NY/LA movies asked with a smirk.

"…He's an overrated overused old hack, his name pisses me off." Helix replied with a nod.

"You…have issues dude." the Kitusne Author sweat dropped; causing the author to groan.

"Of course I have issues! I've not written a fic I've ever stood by; I ran outta ideas for this chapter already: and what's more…." Helix stood up "THAT BASTARD CASTIEL STOLE MY FUCKIN HIPFLASK!"

The author holstered Byakko who was purring contently upon the gore it had created and disappeared in a flash of light.

"Damn…all that over a hipflask?" Soultail laughed.

"Helix, really needs therapy." Arcbus replied, having appeared beside the Kitsune author.

"You don't really give a crap about what you say around him do ya"

"Nope."

"You know what; I quit!" Vorador muttered then wandered towards the curtain only to trip on a piece of Jim's skull and be decapitated by a conveniently placed conveniently switched on hedge trimmer."….Not again…." the vampire's head sighed.

"…Well that was dull…" Haruhi sighed as she leaned back, the hall bustling with conversation again; almost as if the event hadn't ever occurred.

"What do you plan to do now Ms Suzumiya?" Koizumi asked gaining a glare from the brigade leader. "Im gonna go huntin after that guy…the one we shouldn't ever mention by name…revenge is the first agenda of the Ultimiso SOS Brigade!" Haruhi boomed, making Mikuru cower into a ball.

"Great…now potential murder is added to our ridiculous goals…" Kyon mentally broke the fourth wall.

"And of couuurse Mikuru not forgetting you…" Haruhi's death glare turned into a light-hearted smile "Since we've so much more potential members now; its your job as club mascot to attract em! So before we left I got ya some new outfits!" the Brigade Leader chuckled as Mikuru shuddered as she dared to imagine some of the revealing outfits she'd be made to wear.

"Did someone say Outfits? Mmmmm I like the sound of that…I LOOOVE Cosplay!" a woman dressed in a scandalously looking black cat suite with her hair seemingly tied up wearing glasses leaned over, her exposed cleavage close to Kyon's head making him swallow hard.

"Yeah. Mikuru's our mascot so she wears all sorts of fetishey stuff." Haruhi responded boorishly. "And you're…"

"They call me Bayonetta" she responded in her fake English accent. The umbra witch gave a subtle wink at Kyon.

"Damn…why in front of Haruhi…" Kyon mentally broke the fourth wall in a tiny voice.

"You'd better watch Kyon, he's a bit of a perv" the Brigade Leader glared at the protagonist making him sigh.

"Well I sure don't mind….he's as you'd say…'kinda cute'" Bayonetta playfully bit her lower lip making sure Kyon was watching. "Besides, who knows which author he'll end up with as his master/mistress.

"Wait what?" the protagonist exclaimed with widened eyed.

"Dugh! Figures you weren't paying attention" the brigade leader groaned. "Koizumi, explain it will ya?"

"No problem" the Esper continued to smile broadly as he turned to the protagonist. "You see at the University there are two divisions: the Fictional and the Authors; we're classed as fictional so we must always address an author with the title Sama unless the author permits otherwise. At the same time every week we partner up with a single author and we serve them as a butler/maid. At the end of the week we change authors unless the author we're serving chooses to request us for longer. And this can remain for the whole year."

"So in short: all of us here have to put up with some random person for every week of the year?" Kyon responded with his mouth agape.

"Yep and they have the right to do whatever they want to us too!" Bayonetta mused as she wandered off. "Hope I get a really fine one, one worth my time…"

"Anything?" Kyon exclaimed frightened as his gaze turned to Mikuru who looked back timidly. "Even Miss Asahina? Who knows what sick freak could end up with her!"

"Kyon don't worry! She's an SOS brigade member! No one would DARE touch her that way; that's MY job" Haruhi beamed determinedly.

"Don't forget Haruhi, you're in on this too…" Kyon sighed only to become puzzled when Haruhi grinned in response.

"Actually Suzumiya-Sama was accepted in the author division…" Koizumi replied

"WHAT?" Kyon exclaimed "How the hell Haruhi!"

"That's Haruhi-Sama to you Kyon!" the brigade leader yelled angrily before she stormed off out of the hall. Much of no surprise to the surrounding authors who watched her series and read her novels

"This is because of her powers right?" the protagonist turned to the esper to receive a nod.

"That's right Kyon; since Suzumiya-Sama is essentially the author of our existence she was granted favour by the ones in charge." Koizumi responded dutifully as he turned to leave. "We'll find out who our first authors are with these." the esper lifted a silver key with the number 4496 etched on it.

"The authors are completely unaware of who their servant is Kyon." Mikuru spoke up, her timidness gone with Haruhi's exit. "So we at least know they're going to be as surprised as we are when we turn up to their dorm room"

"But Mikuru…"

"Don't worry Kyon" the time traveller smiled as she lifted her key with the number 1705 on it. "I'll be just fine"

"Information from the future huh?"

"That's classified" Mikuru giggled as she left the hall.

"Well Kyon: Good luck!" Koizumi waved farewell then left leaving the protagonist to his thoughts.

"Well…wonder who I'm gonna be stuck with…" Kyon muttered as he looked back to his seat and picked up the key with the number 3507. "Could be anyone…I just hope they're not too crazy…huh? What happened to Nagato?" the protagonist looked round for the alien girl but found no trace of her. "Probably still hooked into her laptop or reading that book of hers…" he mentally broke the fourth wall "I keep doing that and I'm gonna end up tearing the universe to pieces…or something like that…"

Yuki Nagato's apartment…

"_War! Huh! Yeaaah! What is it good forr? Aaaabsolutely nothin!" _Yuki sang while dancing naked in the shower, thrusting her hips to the sway of the music booming from her stereo

"_Ssssay it again nowwww War! Huh! Yeeaah! Whaat is it gooood for? aaaabsolutely nothin! Whaaaaaaahhhaaa yeeeah!" _the alien girl belted out in her best voice as she stood under the showerhead.

"Mr Kimidori…what's wrong with Yuki?" Ashakura asked with her chibi eyebrows raised as high as they could go as she sat outside the bathroom door, watching Yuki's silhouette start doing the monkey then performing a backflip.

"…I don't know…." the green balloon dog responded hesitantly as the silhouette began humping the wall.

"She's daydreaming this."

"…Yeah…unfortunately…"

"What?"

"Nothing."

Yuki's eyes blinked and in an instant she realised she was alone in the club room which was engulfed in darkness except from the faint light emanating from her laptop which had the alien girl's latest eroge pause menu depicted.

"…" she muttered before closing the laptop and walked though the pitch dark school just as sirens were beginning to wail in the distance.

"…Sensing hostile honing in fast…" Yuki muttered as she crouched and leaped out the window and into a open portal just as an army of Excel Saga Muchu's began stampeding though the hallway.

Meanwhile in a dorm of the university…

"Zzzzzzzz"

"Damn Genbu do you REALLY have to snore that loud?" Helix yelled as he kicked the shell of a black turtle the size of a large dog as it slept heavily.

"Zzzzzz…wwahhaa?" the turtle roused "What is it Author kid? Im tryin to nap here…"

"Yeah, you do that but you're gonna have to turn into your other form: we aren't allowed pets I don't think." the author responded.

"Dognamit…very well…and I'm no-one's pet!" Genbu sighed as he withdrew into his shell which shaped itself into a drum kit.

"Muuch better." Helix nodded as he sat back on one of his recliners facing the TV which was hung on the wall opposite the door, Byakko laid out on the bedside desk along with a pair of long red and gold knives with a feather pattern along the blade. Seiryuu taking the form of a Scythe leaning against the one mattress bunk bed.

"Wonder what services this place….hmm?" Helix heard a key being slid into the lock of the door and turned. "Well then who do we hav…..oh christ no…"

"A pleasure to meet you Helix-Sama" Itsuki Koizumi bowed respectfully as he closed the door "My name's…"

"Look, I already know your name Koizumi, and stop with the Sama" Helix sighed. "Damnit…why couldn't it have been some gorgeous girl…" he mentally thought.

"Thank you Helix. I hope my services are to your liking. The esper continued to smile his routine smile.

"Whatever…" the author responded as he sat back down. "Lets get this across first ok: I'm not easy to get along with and; I know you to be a real bitchboy. So lets just get through this week without any hassle k?"

"I see… very well Helix I shall do my best." the esper replied.

"Wonder who Kyon ended up with…" Helix's sudden comment was interrupted by the faint voice of Haruhi from a few floors up.

"Kyon GET OUT! Im changing!"

"…Guess that answers that...was sorta predicting it though" the author smirked "Poor Kyon, least its only for a week, though knowing Suzumiya she'll probably keep him for the sake of…Koizumi what are you doing?" the author rolled his eyes as he noticed the esper moving several pieces of furniture.

"I figure this wardrobe would look much better here, lets more light in and more spacious." Koizumi replied with a assuring nod.

"Itsuki Koizumi…I can tell already you're gonna get on my nerves…" Helix face palmed and groaned

**Annnnd there we go ladies and gentleman! The first chapter of the new version of University El Ultimiso! Will I continue like I've been inspired to by the fics I've read in the last couple of weeks? MAYBE! Depending on how well this first chapter does review wise: hell even if it doesn't attract any attention I'll probably carry on anyways!**

**Hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far: I can promise you: pointless plotholes and random cameos from random FF authors (via request or not) are to be expected!: btw superstarultra Soultail Omega-light, Arcbus, SheraSherada (Formally known as Ravyn Crescent all own themselves. Aside from myself and the 4 items/characters in the last scene I own NONE of the rights to any of the characters used and I make no profit from this fic based on their copyright. With that disclaimer I should be cool ^-^**

**NEXT TIME: We have a special guest in the form of Baron Samedi; the Zombie from the old game known as Atmosfear/Nightmare II as special guest narrator and opening character!**


	2. Chapter 1

"Welcome back kids! Welcome back to the fic! Welcome to the chapter; my chapter!" The Zombie grinned breaking the fourth wall with a raspy voice which was as raspy as his speech was fast.

"Call me two-faced, call me anytime, call me Baron Samedi!" the special guest continued with a tap of his dirt covered top hat

"Scoop this! Check it out children…Talent, RAW talent! And baby believe me Rock 'N' Roll is good for the soul except: I AINT GOT OOOOONEEE! Now how's THAT for an opener from a good lookin corpse!

Now here's the scoop kids" the zombie continued with a slight change in his tone

"Whenever ole Uncle Baron calls you out in the chapter and says **'Thrill Me!'** you will review after the chapter and include the phrase **"Yo Baron I can dig it!"** That's **'Yo Baron I can dig it!'**"

"What the fuck?" a voice nearby shouted out nearby but the location hasn't at all been described yet in an Ill attempt to bring a punch line….its been a while since the last upload…

"Can you dig it children? Lets cut to the chaaaase…" Baron Samedi smirked "Yo! The babe who was first to review the intro chapter: **'Thrill Me!'**' the smirk on the zombie's face turned into a deep toothy grin "YESSSSS! **'Yo Baron I can dig iiiit!'**

"SHUT UP!" the voice yelled again, again the owner and the location was still being left unexplained to the readers

"…If you ain't rememberin to review with the phrase after reading the chapter now baaabe" Baron Samedi's voice deepening "N' payin a miss on mah lip service…then Dig This! HIT THE HOOOLLLLEEE! And whoever reviews last after this next week is over can take yer plaaaace…" the zombie's face and tone lightened again

"Hopefully you're at attention…payin attention….Now think of a number between one and six babe…what you pick? The zombie chuckled just as the sound of footsteps began stomping towards the special guest

"Guess what? I was just thinking about that number! And I was wondering how many of you readers will actually guess it….before you can even start to read the chapter from this point onwards….SO SUE MEEEE! The loser on the far left goes first…but hey: is that your left or my left? Think about it…..WHAAAOOOOO!"

"That's the twelfth time tonight!" The fan fiction author Mikeru growled as he flushed the toilet chain washing Baron Samedi's head down the pipe.

"Jesus… I go on hiatus then I get this? Mikeru rolled his eyes "Now where did Miyuki get to…" the author then walked out of the bathroom.

CHAPTER ONE: What? I have to give this chapter a name?

Helix arose from the dream to the sound of an annoying alarm clock which continued to drill in his ear.

"Uggh…whatta dream that was…" the author groaned as he switched off the clock with an author powered snap of his fingers. "Cant believe Samedi ended up in my cousin's crapper…I really have to choose better special guests too cause, he's probably insulted a couple of readers and other authors by now…"

"Finally up?" a sickeningly cheery voice piped up, as the drowsy author looked around he finally locked his eyes on Koizumi who had been hovering just in front of him.

"Why helloooo…" the Esper continued to grin.

"…Why do I have a sudden chill up my spine…oh wait I know why: YOU'RE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE!" Helix yelled

"There there, no need to be touchy" Koizumi replied happily "I just thought I'd tell you that it's 9:37, breakfast shall be served in the main hall at ten and I must say you look oh so adorable when you sleep…"

The author's eyes widened with a snap as he quickly jumped off the bunk and whipped on his clothes.

"You…watched me the whole night?" Helix muttered, completely disturbed.

"Mmmhmm!" the esper obliviously nodded. With that knowledge the author lunged for the door and escaped into the freedom of the university.

"Mmmmaybe I shouldn't have told him that…" Koizumi spoke aloud before shrugging and skipping off out the room.

Meanwhile….

"Super-Sama, would you like anything else?" Mikuru chirped, adorned in her maid outfit as she hovered over the author known better as superstarultra.

"Any sign of Haruhi?" the author asked aloud as the shadow of a second woman, a slightly older woman emerged somehow in a very well lit dining hall but this plothole was completely ignored by all of the other authors and fictionals in the room.

"She'll be rushing in here soon looking for my younger self. In about three minutes to be precise" Asahina responded.

"Right, then I'd better hurry this up…Mikuru, you know the drill right?" Super grabbed two pieces of toast in one hand, grabbed Asahina with the other and ran out of the hall.

"Sure." the younger girl bowed as her Author and older-self exited.

"Damn…that guy's lucky…he got TWO of em!" a random author commented

"It's the same girl I think?" a second author added.

"…Thaaat lucky bastard…..That lucky lucky bastard…" Helix groaned as he sat down at one of the long tables and rested his head on his shoulders.

"Hey Helix! S'up!" a cheery author called as she sat next to him; a fictional wearing a blue suit sitting beside her.

"Hey Sakura-Heart" Helix sighed as he nodded towards the author better known as iLoVeCaRDcApToRsAkuRa then returned to look down at the table.

"Yer looking dull for someone who just managed to write a second chapter with a little anarchy in it; what's to do?" Sakura-Heart asked.

"I just saw SuperStarUltra run outta here with Asahina, then I find out he's got Mikuru as a maid… I swear everyone's in luck here! You have Wright, Haruhi has Kyon respectively, Super has both Mikuru AND Asahina and as for me…" the author then slammed his hand on the solid oak table. "I have paedophilic potentially homosexual esper Itsuki Koizumi WHO by the way moved my dorm around and spent the entire night watching me sleep!"

"…..Damn….just damn…" Sakura-Heart blinked just as Phoenix Wright stood up

"OBJECTION!" the defence attorney bellowed before sitting down again completely ignored by everyone.

"By the way, aren't those two girls of Super's BOTH Mikuru Asahina?" Sakura-Heart asked giggling as Helix sighed again.

"Yeah, but I'm reckoning the one in the SOS Brigade is being called Mikuru while her older self gets called Asahina…makes sense I suppose" the author commented just as the announcment bell rang. "I need something to cheer me up…"

"Hey! This is uh…..uhhhh…umm…" the voice over the speakers stuttered.

"Dripik sir…" a second voice whispered just faintly

"Dripik! I knew that…. I knew that… I really did!" the first voice commented. "I am General Dripik and from this point onward I will be making the official announcements throughout the fic!"

In the announcement room….

"For the first announcement I would first like to mention that the first lesson for today for our author and several others will be combat training which I will personally be overseeing!" The Glukkon known as General Dripik continued while standing in front of the microphone wearing his honorary medals with two Sligs sat a desk typing away at a super computer.

"And by the Legendary Authors it will be an impressive display of talent or my name aint ahhh…uhhhh….ummm…hmmm…." the Glukkon's elongated face was deep in recollection as the two sligs looked at each other and chuckled.

"Its Dumbass sir." one of the two muttered

"Dumbass! I knew that!" the Glukkon beamed

Back In the dining hall….

Several of the authors and many of the fictionals were snickering at the obliviousness of the announcer.

"I General Dumbass, will be looking forward to today's lesson which takes place in an hours time!" with that the speakers went quiet.

"Well…that did it" Helix grinned as he grabbed a few rashers of bacon and buttered a bun.

"Dripik….wasn't he in that old game series Oddworld?" Sakura-Heart asked as the doors to the dining room opened with Haruhi racing in; Kyon's tie in hand…with Kyon being dragged along at the other end of it.

"Yeah, bad recollection of his own name, got blown up" the author responded before taking a bite of his bacon sandwich.

"Damnnit! I was SURE that he was here!" the Brigade Leader growled before leaping at Mikuru and giving her an SOS Brigade traditional fondling

"And here I was thinking she'd have forgotten about him…Haruhi must've hit me harder then I thought…" Kyon muttered; breaking the fourth wall

In the Announcement Room

"So how was that boys?" the Glukkon asked, receiving a pair of thumbs up from the two squid faced machine legged creatures.

"Sure made a good impression boss!" one of them replied.

"Bet they were applauding down there!" the other added

"Heh. Yeah! The Glukkon grinned as he tippled away on feet that appeared too small for his body and without arms, his speed was slow…at best.

"So Steve, what should we get Douche to call himself next?" one of the Sligs asked sniggering.

"I dunno Marv, but I'm sure the readers will review and give us some ideas…anything beginning with D!"

"Are you two worthless maggots breaking the fourth wall in the vain attempts to get the author more reviews?" a deep ice cold voice echoed causing both the Sligs to jump up and salute.

"Sir! No Sir!" the Sligs; Marv and Steve replied as the University Dean readjusted his sunglasses and walked out the room.

"That guy totally scares me…" Marv shuddered

"Yeah… and I thought that Marik fella was bad; taking over the minds of those of us with the name Steve…"

"So that's why you were doing the conga wearing a tutu and a cauliflower on your head last week?"

"Umm….yes." Steve looked away and sighed a breath of relief.

In The Courtyard an Hour Later

"Alright troops! Today's lesson was supposed to be taught by the legend himself Duke Nukem, however due to certain circumstances he will not be present….yeeeess?" General Dripik nodded towards a pink-haired girl carrying a wand who had her hand raised.

"What happened to him?" Louise asked

"From what recon has informed me Miss Valliere, Nukem has been preoccupied settling a dispute about whom is superior; himself or Chuck No…" the Glukkon stopped, hearing a rifle being cocked and readied. "Well you know him by now I'm sure. Ahem" General Dripik ambled towards Marv the Slig who was standing next to a lever.

"Now behind this gate is a task each one of you authors will deal with single-handedly, fictionals it is optional whether you co-operate or not with one another. Author Soultail Omega-Light-Sama you shall go first" the Glukkon nodded as the Kitsune author dressed in a yellow bikini top, a short skirt with her twelve tails adorned with a clip with two razor sharp blades each on the ends braced for her task.

"Do it!" General Dripik ordered, and the Slig threw the switch revealing a cage, inside dwelled colossal metallic creature that resembled a dragon-horse crossbred. Several of the fictionals nearby gulped and backed off as the Ultima WEAPON roared, ripped open the cage and took flight.

"Ooook…." Soultail breathed as she dashed forward avoiding a blast of energy emitted from the beasts chest before leaping up in front of it. Snarling the Ultima WEAPON charged up its chest cannon only to be sliced into 24 pieces as the Kitsune flipped her body forward and sliced through its metallic body with her tail blades faster then the eyes of the fictionals could register. The Ultima WEAPON's body parts fell to the earth.

"YO! The babe with the twelve tails: **'Thrill Me!'**" Baron Samedi shouted out as he emerged out of the ground with a smirk, only to be buried by the falling pieces of the defeated beast. "I hate it when that happens…." the zombie groaned from inside the wreckage.

"Very well done Author-Sama!" the Glukkon boomed "Back on Oddworld you would've been granted a most suitable reward!" the Kitsune grinned as she noticed Helix give her a smirk of approval as she wandered past the author. Himself getting ready for his task.

"Author PhoenixHelix-Sama it is now time for your task! DO IT!" with the order Marv flipped the switch revealing the next cage….with SuperStarUltra making out with Asahina inside it…

"That's my task?" the author stared flabbergasted.

"Huh? Oh hi Helix, guys." Super looked towards the group, receiving a mixture of cheers and laughs.

"Where is the Gandalfr that was meant to fight the Author-Sama? "The Glukkon questioned just as an explosion went off on the other side of the courtyard.

"Louise! I swear I wasn't staring at Soultail-Sama…I wasn't even near her!" Saito stammered, covered in soot as the Pink-haired Valliere pointed her wand at her familiar with evil intent on her face.

"So JUST because she's an author and has bigger breasts then me you think its right to ogle them you, you, you PERVERTED DOG!" Louise screamed as she began beating Saito to high hell.

"Well guess he's done for…" Helix sighed trying to hide a chuckle "So do I get a task or do I just pass?"

"Why don't you and I have a sparring?" Super suggested as he pushed away the cage door like it was tinfoil. "Something that's REALLY on our level huh?"

"Hmmm sure, I can live with that…" Helix nodded as he raised his hand "Seiryuu!" seconds later the serpentine-like Dragon flew past with a cute growl, before resting in the authors hands, transforming into her scythe form.

"Should be a laugh." Super smirked as he placed his hands by his sides.

"….GO!"

Helix lunged at Super and swung the scythe in a horizontal arch only for the opponent to raise his hand and catch the blade in his hand before pushing it backward and delivering a roundhouse which quickly was blocked by the scythe. Helix then pushed forward, rushed behind the opponent and raked the blade across Super's back just as he received a blow to the gut via an elbow. Helix recovered and leaped, somersaulting twice slammed the tip of the Scythe towards Super who simply blocked the attack with a barrier and pushed forward. Both authors jumped back and took stance.

"Looks like you're not gonna take it laying down huh?" Super joked as he winked at Asahina.

"Laying down? After the awaking I got today I don't think I'll EVER go back to sleep!" Helix responded gaining a laugh from his newfound rival.

"I heard about you ending up with the esper, guess you'll have to make do cause I'll be ending up with my own personal harem. Super then quickly muttered under his breath in an unreadable language; his arms then began glowing a faint blue and white.

"Heh, you wish." Helix shrugged as he unfolded his wings and let his hair down; Seiryuu beginning to glow in an Azure hue. "No more warm up?"

"No more warm up" Super nodded and suddenly they both vanished from view before seconds later two blurring flashes slammed into one another explosively above the group of authors and fictionals.

"Err you think someone should try stopping those two?" Kyon mused as he staggered to his feet.

"Mmmnnah they'll get bored." Soultail shrugged as she bit into a peeled apple.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Asakura."

Kyon's eyes widened as he looked over at a nearby wall where Ryoko Asakura herself was sweetly smiling at him while peeling apple after apple with her knife at blinding speed.

"Apparently it's therapy." Sakura-Heart added as she wandered over.

"Riiight…I take it she still wants to kill me." Kyon swallowed hard as he mentally and habitually broke the fourth wall. "Why did the author have to allow a psychotic blunette like her cameo with me nearby…"

"He likes her t'swhy." the Kitsune author replied.

"That psycho!"

"Yep."

"Makes me wonder, are all those units from that entity a little…you know…extreme?" Kyon pondered.

"I'm still wondering what happened to Nagato" Sakura-Heart mused as she caught a peeled apple that Asakura had thrown at her.

Meanwhile…

Yuki wandered down the halls of a hellish scenario; a hospital of sorts which was covered in rust and decay with the nightmarish war sirens continuing to wail in the distance.

"…" the pettaneko alien mused as she looked around then snapped her fingers; disappeared from the hospital into an abandoned police station, the groans of the undead filling the halls. She snapped her fingers again and reappeared in a world of white. just as a badly drawn shark tried to eat her Yuki snapped her fingers again much to the seven year old drawer's confusion. And reappeared in a ball room where humorously dressed Goths were dancing.

"Leeeets doo the tiiimmmee waarrrrp agaaaaaiiinnn!" they sang causing even Yuki to raise an eyebrow and quickly snap her fingers. She appeared back in the clubroom.

"…I guess I'll walk."

Back at the university…

Helix and Super lunged at each other for one final attack; their powers outshining the sun itself and even gathering the attention of everyone in the university, as they collided the very ground trembled and the light exploded.

"Are they…" Kyon started

"Nah. Nobody dies in this fic…" Soultail began as she noticed both authors land on the ground with a thud; covered in bruises and burns. "…They just get really big boo boos… extra points for those who guess what film that's from in the first try."

"George of the jungle."

"Damn Kyon, I was trying to…never mind" Soultail sighed as she and several others followed the two authors into the building

"Ughh…call it a tie?" Helix suggested with Seiryuu coiled over his shoulder in her serpentine form; unconscious.

"Yeah…" Super nodded as he sported a deep cut across his chest and burns down one arm.

"He…HEY! Where're you all going? Class isn't dismissed yet!" General Dripik yelled hopping up and down but receiving no attention.

"Listen to what I tell ya! I'm General err umm…"

"Dipshit?" the author yelled over his shoulder.

"Dipshit that's it…ahem I demand….waaaait a minute…." his tantrum was left unheard as the authors headed to the student bar and Marv the Slig was too far gone in laughter.

That evening…

"Phew…whatta day…" Helix strolled into his dorm room slightly tipsy and closed the door as Seiryuu uncoiled herself from around the author and fell asleep on the windowsill.

"Looks like Koizumi's out…good…." the author flicked his wrist and the shower in the Japanese styled bathroom turned on; filling the room with water vapour.

"Heads up!" a voice shouted from outside just as a baseball smashed through the dormroom window and knocked the serpentine dragon off her perch and out of her slumber making her sob like a baby.

"Damnit…" Helix rolled his eyes, quickly fixed the window with a flick of the wrist before opening it.

"Watch where're ya throwing this!" the author yelled noticing Haruhi gazing up with fire in her eyes as Mikuru bowed behind her apologetically Tsuruya just sighed and Kyon just shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

"Whatever…can we have that back NOW?" Haruhi yelled not in a tone that was asking, more demanding."Pff…" Helix tossed the ball out of the dorm which narrowly missed a magpie and was caught by the Brigade Leader.

"Nice throw! You wanna try out? The SOS Brigade's gonna be…" Helix closed the window before she finished and let Seiryuu lay back on it, the sepentine dragon instantly fell asleep looking adorable.

"Yeah like I'd wanna do half of what she does…course it would mean the chance to see if Tsuruya or Asakura's free and …didn't I close that?" Helix's train of thought was cut off as the door was wide open, he wandered over and re-closed it before he lifted off his ragged shirt.

"Ouch. Looks like you had a rough day." the twin knifes on the coffee table merged together and turned into a vermillion hued bird resembling a Peacock.

"Just a bit of a rumble, nothing major." Helix muttered as he rubbed a deep bruise on his shoulder.

"You got it handed to you huh…" the bird replied with a chuckle.

"Suzaku, shut up. Helix narrowed his eyes irritably as he undressed completely and grabbed a towel off the radiator before wandering into the bathroom for a shower.

The author sat down on the shower seat with a deep breath as the heated water cascaded heavily on his head and chest.

"Wow… no wonder they have these kinds in Japan… huh..?" Helix felt a pair of hands on his back massaging it in a circular motion.

"Who the…?" Helix's sentence was cut off by a soft shush from his company.

"Just relax and let me take care of this…" the stranger spoke in a soft feminine tone. The author relaxed but frowned feeling uneasy, his instinct telling him something wasn't right about his company.

"You're so tense…"

"Uhuh."

"You really shouldn't get run down like this."

"Hmm."

"I'll do this whenever you…"

"Itsuki Koizumi."

"Hmm?"

"No no no Kyon! You've gotta put more effort into it!" Haruhi complained as the protagonist tried resting his arms after swinging the bat three thousand times.

"How much more…"

"GET YOUR ESPER ARSE OUT OF MY FUCKING SHOWER!" Helix bellowed at the top his lungs, which could be heard from where Kyon, Haruhi, Mikuru and Tsuruya were practicing. Kyon and Haruhi sweat dropped and winced, Mikuru trembled teary-eyed while Tsuruya fell on her knees and burst out laughing.

Koizumi shot out of Helix's dorm-room as fast as a bullet from a gun barrel with a look of sheer terror and dashed down the corridor as the Author himself leaped out of the dorm with Byakko in hand and began firing round after round in his direction. Several dorm doors opened slightly; the residents peeping their heads to eavesdrop.

"I SWEAR IN THE NAME OF ZEUS'S ASSHOLE IF YOU EVER SHOW UP IN MY DORMROOM AGAIN KOIZUMI I WILL PERSONALLY CRUCIFY YOU BY YOUR FUCKING TESTICLES!" Helix roared with his eyes and face depicting so much fury that a Rage Virus carrier would look pretty mellow.

"Dammit dude! I'm tryin to score here!" Megadeth425 yelled from out of his dorm but the sudden glare from Helix coerced him to close the door and stay behind it.

"…Show's over guys" the author lowered the rifle and walked back inside.

"Yeesh…" Sakura-Heart muttered as she closed her door and looked towards Phoenix who lounged back on her sofa.

"I think he was pretty pissed…"

"From the sound of it…yeah." the ace attorney nodded.

"Ugh. Honestly why couldn't I just have a cute girl dammit… just ONE!" Helix groaned as he leaned against the door, Byakko transforming into her White Tiger form and rubbing her head against Helix's wrist.

"Listen, if any of you find Koizumi in here again you have MY personal permission to hurt him." Helix breathed out, petted the tiger's head then wandered towards the bathroom, frowning at the fact a silhouette of a person kneeling down was visible in the glass the author prepared himself to attack and opened the door.

"Good Evening Helix-Sama" Miyuki Takara bowed slightly with a shy smile on her face.

Meanwhile…

"Hellooooooo? Is any one there?" Baron Samedi called out from under the remains of the Ultima WEAPON.

"Cause if theres anyone hearin me kiddies and payin a miss on mah lip service….wha?" the Zombie's voice suddenly faded out of existence…

**Finally the Chapter of the Zombie has been done! why did Baron just disappear? We may never know… . I apologise for the length of time since my last update, work has kept me from procrastinating and even though I've thought of ideas its taken a while to keep them simple and not over complicated. Also just to inform those you who might have thought about it; yes the Author known as Mikeru is my cousin; he mostly works on Lucky Star fanfics and he's known pretty well for them so if you're a fan of the series and haven't read his material I'd recommend doing so ^-^ obviously he owns himself, as do the authors Soultail Omega-Light iLoVeCaRDcApToRsAkuRa Superstarultra and Megadeth425 they all own themselves xD and I only own the four OC's Genbu, Seiryuu, Suzaku and Byakko (As all we big lovers of Japanese folklore are aware, they're based off the four guardians of Kyoto)**

**With that said and done please read and review with comments and ideas and hopefully I'll be back soon with the next chapter with special cameo from Anne Di Chantraine: the Witch from Nightmare/Atmosfear III!**


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